“Even less information than you get from USA Today!”
______________________
Democratic Rep. Andrea Boland, a Maine legislator wants to make the state the first to require cellphones to carry warnings that the devices can cause brain cancer.
Andrea, use two tin cans and a string. Leave those of us who can read alone.
______________________
A University of Utah study has determined that texting while driving increases the danger of crashing.
No shit? Who ever would have thought that driving with your head down while trying to push little buttons would increase the chances of crashing? Amazing what these scientists can discover, given proper government funding.
But the real study that needs doing is to determine whether you are more likely to die, while texting, from brain cancer or crashing.
______________________
A reader wants to know if it’s safe to fly on budget airlines overseas.
Yes, but stay off of Russian-made aircraft operated by African airlines. If the plane makes it to its destination (a 50/50 chance), you’ll be mugged at the baggage carrel.
______________________
Pope Benedict plans to hold a “beatification ceremony” to move Pope Pius XII closer to sainthood. Pius XII was the guy who kept his mouth shut while the Nazis exterminated 6 or so million Jews. Jews, and plenty of others, are complaining.
Benny, don’t let the riff-raff get you down. Sure, Pius could have done more for the Jews but at least he excommunicated Hitler. (Er, what’s that? The Roman Catholic church never excommunicated Hitler? Really?) Benny, tell ya what. Make it a double ceremony: Beatify Pius and excommunicate Hitler at the same time. What a show, and just in time for Hanukkah. I tell ya the Jews will love it!
______________________
And speaking of der Fuhrer, police in Poland have recovered the “Arbeit Macht Frei” sign, which hung over the gate at Auschwitz until it was stolen a few days ago. Five men in their 20s and 30s have been arrested.
Good news for our American readers. We thought all the stupid, insensitive, fuckhead thieves lived here!
______________________
The U.S. prison population will decline for the first time in decades. No cause for celebration. They’re letting prisoners out early because of the bad economy. The states can’t afford to keep them locked up.
Sure, put ’em back on the streets. They can support themselves just as they did before they went to jail—stealing from us. Be sure to let them out before Christmas. There’ll be lots of extra swag around.
______________________
Brain Damage Linked to Hockey
Never mind. I misread that headline. I thought it said “Brain Damage Linked to Watching Hockey.
______________________
The Hamas administration on Wednesday issued a smoking ban in public places in the Gaza Strip.
Now would that be smoking, as in you just lit up a Marlboro or smoking, as in you just got napalmed?
______________________
The death toll from an explosion in the central Pakistani city of Dera Ghazi Khan climbed to at least 25 on Wednesday, a senior government official said.
But, on the other hand, the bomb is said to have made at least $3 million worth of improvements to the neighborhood.
______________________
Woods’ Wife in Negotiations With Puma
Shouldn’t she be in negotiation with Cougars?
______________________
Democrats ridiculed Mr. Bush as “the most fiscally irresponsible President in history.” Then they took an $800 billion deficit and made it $1.4 trillion in 2009.
Good going guys. Don’t let a fucking Republican outdo you when it comes to fiscal irresponsibility. I mean, what’s this country coming to when a Republican can piss away more money than a Democrat?
______________________
And let’s not be so hard on the Republicans. After all, aren’t they still the party of “family values?”
Yes, they are. Rock solid. My favorite family values are incest and wife beating.
______________________
The real reason that the developing world is in Copenhagen in the first place is they see climate change as a potential foreign-aid bonanza. They are at the table to leverage massive transfers of wealth from the West.
No! You mean this whole thing is about money? I’m devastated. I thought it was about bees and flowers and blue sky and sunshine and saving endangered species like the spike-nosed fart beetle.
______________________
A Washington DC police officer drew a gun after he and his car were hit by snowballs.
Harkins, how many times do I have to tell you “Don’t bring a gun to a snowball fight!”
Rumors, Lies, Innuendo, Fear, Uncertainty, and Despair
News McNuggets
December 22, 2009“Even less information than you get from USA Today!”
______________________
Democratic Rep. Andrea Boland, a Maine legislator wants to make the state the first to require cellphones to carry warnings that the devices can cause brain cancer.
Andrea, use two tin cans and a string. Leave those of us who can read alone.
______________________
A University of Utah study has determined that texting while driving increases the danger of crashing.
No shit? Who ever would have thought that driving with your head down while trying to push little buttons would increase the chances of crashing? Amazing what these scientists can discover, given proper government funding.
But the real study that needs doing is to determine whether you are more likely to die, while texting, from brain cancer or crashing.
______________________
A reader wants to know if it’s safe to fly on budget airlines overseas.
Yes, but stay off of Russian-made aircraft operated by African airlines. If the plane makes it to its destination (a 50/50 chance), you’ll be mugged at the baggage carrel.
______________________
Pope Benedict plans to hold a “beatification ceremony” to move Pope Pius XII closer to sainthood. Pius XII was the guy who kept his mouth shut while the Nazis exterminated 6 or so million Jews. Jews, and plenty of others, are complaining.
Benny, don’t let the riff-raff get you down. Sure, Pius could have done more for the Jews but at least he excommunicated Hitler. (Er, what’s that? The Roman Catholic church never excommunicated Hitler? Really?) Benny, tell ya what. Make it a double ceremony: Beatify Pius and excommunicate Hitler at the same time. What a show, and just in time for Hanukkah. I tell ya the Jews will love it!
______________________
And speaking of der Fuhrer, police in Poland have recovered the “Arbeit Macht Frei” sign, which hung over the gate at Auschwitz until it was stolen a few days ago. Five men in their 20s and 30s have been arrested.
Good news for our American readers. We thought all the stupid, insensitive, fuckhead thieves lived here!
______________________
The U.S. prison population will decline for the first time in decades. No cause for celebration. They’re letting prisoners out early because of the bad economy. The states can’t afford to keep them locked up.
Sure, put ’em back on the streets. They can support themselves just as they did before they went to jail—stealing from us. Be sure to let them out before Christmas. There’ll be lots of extra swag around.
______________________
Brain Damage Linked to Hockey
Never mind. I misread that headline. I thought it said “Brain Damage Linked to Watching Hockey.
______________________
The Hamas administration on Wednesday issued a smoking ban in public places in the Gaza Strip.
Now would that be smoking, as in you just lit up a Marlboro or smoking, as in you just got napalmed?
______________________
The death toll from an explosion in the central Pakistani city of Dera Ghazi Khan climbed to at least 25 on Wednesday, a senior government official said.
But, on the other hand, the bomb is said to have made at least $3 million worth of improvements to the neighborhood.
______________________
Woods’ Wife in Negotiations With Puma
Shouldn’t she be in negotiation with Cougars?
______________________
Democrats ridiculed Mr. Bush as “the most fiscally irresponsible President in history.” Then they took an $800 billion deficit and made it $1.4 trillion in 2009.
Good going guys. Don’t let a fucking Republican outdo you when it comes to fiscal irresponsibility. I mean, what’s this country coming to when a Republican can piss away more money than a Democrat?
______________________
And let’s not be so hard on the Republicans. After all, aren’t they still the party of “family values?”
Yes, they are. Rock solid. My favorite family values are incest and wife beating.
______________________
The real reason that the developing world is in Copenhagen in the first place is they see climate change as a potential foreign-aid bonanza. They are at the table to leverage massive transfers of wealth from the West.
No! You mean this whole thing is about money? I’m devastated. I thought it was about bees and flowers and blue sky and sunshine and saving endangered species like the spike-nosed fart beetle.
______________________
A Washington DC police officer drew a gun after he and his car were hit by snowballs.
Harkins, how many times do I have to tell you “Don’t bring a gun to a snowball fight!”