Osama’s bin Dead for a While

May 7, 2011

You may not have heard that US arch-enemy Osama bin Laden was greased on May 2, 2011 by special ops forces. It’s been in the papers. Most Americans have been too busy watching Dancing with the Stars to pay much attention to the story. I shall endeavor to fill in the gaps.

He was alive? Personally, I was surprised to hear that when the black ops boys found him bin Laden was alive, at least for a few seconds. Over the past decade he faded so much to irrelevance that I figured he was dead, either from kidney failure or terminal flatulence.

He didn’t have a chance! Within 24 hours, bleeding heart pussies from Cambridge to Berkeley were whining that the poor bastard was unarmed, unlike the 3000 people in the World Trade Center who were bristling with weaponry. People raised on Steven Spielberg movies think war is supposed to be a fair fight. The best way to fight a battle is to find your enemy asleep, kill him, spike his guns, and move on to the next target. Perhaps folks would feel better if we had shot bin Laden and then stuck an AK in his hands, after the fashion of some US police departments.

What a Dump! bin Laden had a large personal fortune, not to mention al Qaeda’s substantial take from the sale of Osama t-shirts, effigies of George Bush, and American flags pre-soaked in lighter fluid. And he winds up living in a “multi-million dollar compound” that would bring down property values in East LA. What did he do, hire Soviet contractors? Even those assholes in the Politburo knew enough to hire Finns when they needed decent housing.

“I see nussing; I know nussing.” In the best tradition of Colonel Klink, the Pakis are claiming they had no idea bin Laden was in town. Never mind that the “compound” was three times as large as anything else in the neighborhood and had 18-foot walls. The Pakis thought it was just another goat farm.

Already, the conspiracy theorists abound. At least they’ll quit harping about the Kennedy assassination. My favorite so far: There was a 2 1/2-mile tunnel between the bin Laden compound and the Pakistani military academy. bin Laden was running the tunnel twice a week to moderate a jihadist symposium.

His burial was “un-Islamic.” If we are to believe the claim that Islam is a “religion of peace” then Osama was about as un-Islamic as one can be. We can only hope that the Pope or Terry Jones was on board the USS Carl Vinson to kick the bastard overboard.

Speaking of burial at sea. In the hours immediately after announcing Osama’s demise, US “sources” were claiming that he was buried at sea because they feared they “would be unable to find a country to accept his body.” I can think of about a dozen countries that would love to build a bin Laden World theme park with the Great Man’s grave as the centerpiece. It would be the first attraction in the Arab world that was less than about 500 years old.

Since he was buried at sea, Osama may find that his eternal reward is 72 sturgeons.

At least the boys on the Carl Vinson marked the grave appropriately.