Got (Breast) Milk?

OK. I admit I’m behind on this story. It broke while I was on a road trip, examining breasts from the Atlantic to the Rio Grande. By the time I heard about it, the story already had topped two million hits on Google. Still, some things are so ridiculous, so outrageous, they beg repeating. This story is one of them.

Two senior Saudi clerics said that Saudi Arabia’s women should give their breast milk to male colleagues and acquaintances in order to safeguard the Islamic law that forbids mixing between the sexes. The clerics, however, failed to reach an agreement among each other on how the milk should be conveyed.

Times Newsline (New Delhi)

Yes, indeed, Wahhabi Islam, the brand of Magic practiced in Saudi Arabia, prohibits “unlawful mixing” between sexes. This unlawful mixing does not constitute simply sexual relations or dating. It prohibits contact of any kind between men and women who are not related. “Mixing” between related men and women is allowed but the rules about who is “related” and who can mix with whom are too arcane for us infidels to follow.

But two geniuses of Islamic law, Sheikh Al Obeikan and Abi Ishaq Al Huwaini, have issued fatwas (legal opinions handed down by Islamic religious leaders) to liberalize the rules on mixing between unrelated members of the opposite sex. How? By having men drink the breast milk of unrelated women. The act of a man consuming the breast milk of a female acquaintance somehow makes the two “related” thereby saving the woman from death by stoning and the man from forfeiting his claim on 72 virgins in the afterlife.

There’s a problem, though. Al Obeikan and Al Huwaini cannot agree on how the breast milk should be “conveyed” to the man.

The man should take the milk, but not directly from the breast of the woman. He should drink it and then becomes a relative of the family, a fact that allows him to come in contact with the women without breaking Islam’s rules about mixing.

Sheikh Al Obeikan
quoted in Gulf News (Dubai)
(Gulf News has since pulled this story from its web site)

Tough Choice

Saudi cleric Abi Ishaq Al Huwaini, however, said that women should allow the men to suckle the milk directly from their breast. (Polls show Al Huwaini’s popularity reaching an all-time high, while Al Obeikan  has been forced to take a part-time position in a pork processing facility).

An interesting loophole in all this: Saudi women are not allowed to drive. Their male drivers are exempt from the prohibition of mixing with unrelated women. Muhammad, in his infinite wisdom, was able to foresee 1400 years ago that members of the Saudi royal family would never go for chauffeurs sucking on their wives’ titties.

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