Release the Secret Weapon

May 28, 2010

Ever since the 1980’s, when we first became aware of Muslim violence directed specifically against the United States, most of us have asked “Why? What did we ever do to piss these people off to the point that they wanted to kill us?”

Tender-minded liberals wrung their hands, and mouthed defenses of Muslim violence—the West was a threat to their traditional way of life; we had oppressed them for years; they truly believed that we were Satan’s minions on earth; we were infidels because, hearing the words of the Prophet, we chose to reject them; we were decadent hedonists  concerned with our comfort here on earth while ignoring the possibility of roasting for eternity for our iniquities.

All true, I’m sure. But that still doesn’t explain this desire on the part of a few Muslims to kill us wholesale, nor does it explain why about half of the world’s Muslims, while condemning their brethren’s violence toward Westerners, still consider it justified.

I finally figured it out. Muslims have to be the most sexually frustrated of all men on earth, save Catholic priests (and we’ve seen what that’s led to).

The danger starts in the most fundamentalist parts of the Muslim world—jurisdictions where, as soon as they begin to resemble women, rather than asexual children, Muslim girls are covered up, taken out of school, and bade to await the decisions of the males in their family as to whom, if anyone, they will marry, and when.

Meanwhile young Muslim men, whose curiosity about sex and the female body are raging, are left to look at pairs of eyes peering out from shapeless bags. Their fate, apparently when they have acquired enough goats, is to marry one of these pigs in a poke and hope for the best. The unveiling of the bride on the wedding night has to be one of the most frightening experiences in Islam.

Young men of all cultures, rich or poor, educated or ignorant, all gravitate towards two things in their youth: sex and violence. The more they get of one, the less interested they seem in the other. Now imagine yourself a young Muslim of, say 17. You’re standing behind the sheep barn with your dick in one hand and a purloined copy of Playboy in the other. It suddenly occurs to you that your chances against actually getting laid before you’re 25 are about 1000 to 1. Would that tend to piss you off? Would it make you violent? I suspect so.

I think instead of spending billions on security that doesn’t work and troops that just exacerbate the problem, we should release our secret weapon: American Muslim women.

Here’s the pitch, Muhammad: Instead of arriving in Detroit with your brain filled with hate and your underwear full of explosives, how about showing up with some flowers, maybe take a bath and put on a clean suit. We’ll try to fix you up with someone like this year’s Miss USA, Rimah Fakih. Yeah, chances are she’s busy but there are plenty of other Muslim babes in this country and, if you don’t smell like your goat, you could hook up with one of them.

And there’s a bonus. Since Americans already know that women are at least as smart, if not smarter, than men we send them to school. Rima’s already got degrees in economics and business. She plans to go to law school next. Now here’s a babe that can keep your Johnson up for hours on end and support you in a style to which you would like to be accustomed.

Just a word of warning: Don’t mess with these women. They know what they want and they’re not about to take shit from assholes like you.


Bipartisan Stupidity

May 27, 2010

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

One hundred years ago, circuses were a major form of entertainment in the United States. Over the past century circuses, as an entertainment medium, largely have been replaced by i-Pods, television, Lindsay Lohan, and the United States Congress. Let’s face it, even the greatest clowns were never as fatuous or funny as the average congressman.

Now comes a brilliant bipartisan effort from two senators, Charles Schumer (D-NY) and John Cornyn (R-TX). What’s the idea? Well, since the Times Square Bomber, Faisal Shahzad, had a pre-paid cell phone our brilliant solons have decided that we need a federal law requiring registration of every pre-paid cell phone. Can’t be too careful, you know.

Although Faisal had a pre-paid cell phone and used it during the days leading up to his failed bombing attempt there’s no evidence that, had it been registered with the federal government, the plot would somehow have been thwarted. It might have made Faisal a little easier to catch but he was so stupid and poorly trained that the presence or absence of a registered cell phone would have made little difference.

We should also note that Faisal left the scene of the attempted bombing on foot and that, at the time of his escape, he was wearing SHOES! According to the penetrating logic of these senators, our world would be safer if all purchases of shoes were registered with the government so that, in the event a miscreant left a footprint at the scene, we could quickly go through our database of three billion registered shoe prints and home in on the criminal with laser-like accuracy.

Cars are registered—that doesn’t seem to thwart crooks from using them to commit crimes.

Guns are registered—that doesn’t seem to stop homeboys from plugging each other with alarming regularity.

Registering pre-paid cell phones won’t make a difference. Contract cell-phones already are registered and they are used in the commission of crimes every day. Granted, registered cell phones often lead the cops to a perpetrator but the reason is that the criminal used a cell phone in the first place. Any miscreant with brains already knows that you never, ever use any kind of telephone to discuss illegal activities. If you absolutely must use a cell phone, buy one that’s freshly stolen and get another one every 24 hours.

Sure to come are laws requiring registration of buyers of fertilizer, propane, fire crackers, gasoline, and diesel fuel. Next, shoes, bicycles, skateboards, and dog-sled teams. And don’t forget underwear. We need to know whenever someone buys underwear that is two sizes too large. He may be planning on stuffing it with explosives or, my God, dope.

Welcome to 1984 and The Brave New World.

Making Obama Do His Job

May 26, 2010

In April (Your Papers Please) I reported on an Arizona law that makes it a crime for immigrants to have no alien registration documents. Earlier this month, I reported that Albuquerque NM police (“Discrimination” in Albuquerque) would begin checking the immigrant status of every person arrested in that city.

Illegal immigrants chow down in Sheriff Joe Arapaio's Maricopa County Jail. Joe plans to deport them as soon as they've done their time for crimes committed while in Arizona.

Civil libertarians all over the country were having fits, claiming these enforcement actions discriminated unfairly against “people of color.”  I pointed out that I did not necessarily disagree with the civil liberties crowd, noting that these laws could well violate the Fourth and Fourteenth Amendments to the Constitution.

Nonetheless, I thought the new local laws were a great idea. Why? Because they were going to force the Obama administration to do its job—securing our nation’s porous borders against the influx of illegal immigrants.

Mission accomplished, at least in part. Today, the Obama administration announced that 1200 National Guard troops will be dispatched immediately to help secure the Southwestern border of the United States. Obama also is requesting $500 million for border protection and law enforcement; a lot of money, yes, but far less than illegal immigrants are costing us in our schools, hospitals, and prisons. Obama security adviser James Jones said the troops and money will be a “bridge to longer-term enhancements” on the Southwestern border.

Local rebellions against the federal government, whether constitutional or not, are an encouraging sign. For too long the feds have pushed local governments around, doling out or withholding “federal money” based on whether local governments were bending to federal coercion. I put “federal money” in quotes in the last sentence because Washington has lost sight of the fact that all “federal money” is money they have raided from local taxpayers primarily through the federal income tax. It is the height of arrogance for the feds to take money from Springfield, LaCrosse, Cleveland, or Houston and then return it to these locations through “revenue sharing.”

Revenue sharing always has been thinly veiled coercion. Before President Nixon coined the phrase “revenue sharing,” the practice was commonly called extortion.

But I digress. It remains to be seen whether the troops and money requested by Obama are window dressing or will have a substantial impact on the problem. Either way, it is encouraging to see Arizona rubbing Obama’s nose in the problem. Anything that stems the flow of “unregistered Democrats” is, in my opinion, a step in the right direction.

Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden applaud Mexican President Felipe Calderon as he complains to Congress about Arizona's unilateral attempts to stop the flow of unregistered Democrats into the United States.

Speaking of illegal immigration and our “callous” behavior towards these poor folks, take a look at what Mexico does to illegal immigrants, most of whom are Central Americans passing through Mexico on their way to the US. According to USA Today:

  • Mexican police already have the power to check the ID’s of anyone, anytime
  • Mexican police engage in racial profiling and routinely harass Central Americans
  • Illegal immigrants caught in Mexico generally are robbed and beaten by Mexican police, then turned loose penniless
  • Mexican law calls for 6 to 12 years of prison for anyone aiding an illegal immigrant. This law was recently “amended” by the Mexican Supreme Court so that it applies only to persons who charge the immigrant for assistance. (How can the immigrant pay when the Mexican police already have taken his money)?

Meanwhile, Democrats in Congress applauded Mexican President Felipe Calderon when he criticized the Arizona law on Capitol Hill last week.

Nun Who Authorizes Abortion is Excommunicated

May 21, 2010

When religious dogma trumps rationalism, I usually find myself irritated. In this case, I am outraged. The story sounds like a hypothetical, but unlikely, situation that might be posed in a college or seminary class on ethics. In this case, however, it really happened.

Last November, a 27-year-old woman was admitted to St. Joseph’s Hospital and Medical Center in Phoenix. She was 11 weeks pregnant with her fifth child and was suffering from a severe heart condition. Doctors determined that if her pregnancy was carried to term, the woman’s (and fetus’) chances of dying were virtually 100%. They agreed that the only way to save the mother’s life was to perform an abortion.

Unfortunately, the woman was in a Catholic hospital, a place where performing abortions is regarded as impermissible. However, Directive 47 in the U.S. Catholic Church’s ethical guidelines for health care providers allows, in some circumstances, procedures that could kill the fetus to save the mother. Directive 47 clearly applied in this case. The woman was, in fact, so near death that doctors said moving her to a non-Catholic hospital in order to perform the abortion was ill-advised—that the mother would probably die en route.

Given the dire and unusual circumstances Sister Margaret McBride, a hospital administrator, approved the procedure under Directive 47. The fetus, of course, died but the woman survived to return home to her other four children.

Bishop Thomas J. ("I Vass Only Following Orders") Olmstead /AP photo-Roy Dabner-2003

Sister Margaret was promptly excommunicated by Bishop Thomas J. Olmstead. Bishop Olmstead was seconded in this action by the Rev. John Ehrich, medical ethics director for the Diocese of Phoenix.  “She consented in the murder of an unborn child,” Ehrich said. “There are some situations where the mother may in fact die along with her child. But – and this is the Catholic perspective – you can’t do evil to bring about good. The end does not justify the means.”

Lisa Cahill, who teaches Catholic theology at Boston College said, “They were in quite a dilemma. There was no good way out of it. The official church position would mandate that the correct solution would be to let both the mother and the child die. I think in the practical situation that would be a very hard choice to make.” Like Olmstead and Ehrich, Ms. Cahill was unwilling to admit that abortion was really the only ethical option under the circumstances.

So, according to these ecclesiastical geniuses, it would be better for the mother and unborn baby to face certain death together than for doctors to save the life of the mother who had four other children in need of her nurturing.

Excommunication is the most serious action that could be taken against Sister Margaret since the Church is no longer allowed to burn heretics at the stake. I’m sure that in earlier days Bishop Olmstead and Rev. Erlich would have piled kindling around Sister Margaret and broiled her on the front lawn of the hospital as a warning to heretics everywhere.

I don’t want to single out the Catholics for this idiocy as it could have happened in any number of sects including Muslim, Pentecostal, Sikh, or Buddhist. It just happens that, this time, it was the Catholics’ turn to dramatize the insanity of some religious beliefs.

It is worth noting that neither the Quran nor the Bible has a thing to say on the subject of abortion, but most followers of both brands of Magic still condemn abortion as vile sin.

Even if you’re foolish enough to believe these books were handed down by a Supreme Being, the prohibitions against abortion are the rules of men, not of God.

News McNuggets

May 20, 2010

“Even less information than you get from CNN!”


“Father Gabriele Amorth, the chief exorcist for the Holy See, said in Rome that The Times’s coverage of Pope Benedict, which cast doubt on his rigor in dealing with pedophile priests, was “prompted by the Devil.”

“There is no doubt about it,” the 85-year-old priest said, according to the Catholic News Agency. “Because he is a marvelous pope and worthy successor to John Paul II, it is clear that the Devil wants to grab hold of him.””

Maureen Dowd
New York Times

Perfect. If something good happens, praise god. When something bad happens, blame it on the devil. This being the case, why should we worry about either of them. The devil does as he pleases and god is powerless to stop him.


“Police have arrested two women after they tried to take the body of a dead relative onto a plane at Liverpool John Lennon Airport.”

BBC News

The most serious part of this story is that the cadaver was scheduled to fly the plane that day.


“A woman named Doris stood to ask the president whether it was a “wise decision to add more taxes to us with the health care” package.

He then spent the next 17 minutes and 12 seconds lulling the crowd into a daze. ”

Washington Post

“Concentrate on my pocket watch. You are relaxed. You are getting very tired. When I snap my fingers you will awaken and vote a straight Democrat ticket.”


“On Monday, confronting criticism of the [Republican National] committee for picking up a $2,000 tab for donors and staff at a West Hollywood strip and bondage club, [Republican National Committee Chairman Michael] Steele said in response to a question on ABC’s “Good Morning America” that he and President Obama were being held to tougher standards because they were black.”

NY Times

OK, but were the strippers black? Let’s spread the wealth here, guys.


“Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio is implementing a new inmate program at Tent City Jail called “Pedal Vision.” The program uses inmate-powered cycles to generate electricity for televisions. Reports say Arpaio’s recent visit to Tent City inspired the idea, when he saw that many of the inmates were overweight. The stationary bikes are customized so that as an inmate pedals, a connected television is powered once the cycle generates 12 volts of electricity. One hour of pedaling equals one hour of television viewing for the inmates.”

ABC News

Some people really hate Sheriff Joe. Probably because he’s doing just what we’d do if we had the chance.


“Forget product placement, NBC Universal is trying “behavior placement” with some of its shows. Characters from programs such as “30 Rock” and “The Office” are acting out eco-friendly behaviors that advertisers hope will sway viewers.”

The only reason the US does not have a Department of Propaganda is that the media are willing to do it for free.


“Almost a year after announcing their plans to charge passengers for using toilets on their planes, discount airline Ryanair is finally pushing ahead with not only installing the pay potties on their jets, but cutting down the number of toilets available to passengers.”


Remember the drunk who was arrested in the US for shitting on a beverage cart? Let’s all chip in and buy him a ticket on a few Ryanair flights.


“Maybe I am too old and too cynical, but I think the Republican party is in the last stages of agony. If nothing happens, we might win an election or even two, but in the long run we will lose America.”

Chris Currey

Chris is right. Unless the Republican Party decides to stand up for what’s right (say, the Constitution), it’s doomed. We’re on our way to single-party rule.


“Sexual harassment and even rape of sisters by priests and bishops is allegedly common.”

Sister Marie McDonald
The Problem of the Sexual Abuse of African Religious in Africa and in Rome

Maybe the Catholic seminaries should start offering elective courses in Auto Eroticism and Jerking Off in the Shower


“Now the Bloomberg administration is seeking to require that nearly all families have at least one member with a job before they receive a rent subsidy. Participants would also pay more toward their rent — rather than $50 a month, they would be required to pay 30 percent of their income during the first year of the subsidy. During the second year, they would pay 50 percent of the total rent.”

NY Times

Horrors, they’re going to make them work in order to receive welfare? Why, that’s …that’s… unAmerican!


“Chicago police are investigating shootings around the city that left seven people dead and several more wounded in a matter of hours.”

Associated Press

Nice to see some of the toughest gun laws in the country are working so well.


“Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates has warned in a secret three-page memorandum to top White House officials that the United States does not have an effective long-range policy for dealing with Iran’s steady progress toward nuclear capability, according to government officials familiar with the document.”

NY Times

Does the United States “have an effective long-range policy for dealing with” anything? Nuclear proliferation, terrorism, the coming hyperinflation, 10% unemployment…?

Whom Do You Trust?

May 18, 2010

The following data are being passed around on the internet like a new baby at a family reunion:

  • 83% of warrants for murder in Phoenix are for illegal aliens
  • 86% of warrants for murder in Albuquerque are for illegal aliens
  • 75% of those on the most wanted list in Los Angeles, Phoenix, and Albuquerque are illegal aliens
  • 24.9% of all inmates in California detention centers are Mexican nationals
  • 40.1% of all inmates in Arizona detention centers are Mexican nationals
  • 48.2% of all inmates in New Mexico detention centers are Mexican nationals
  • 29% (630,000) of the  felons filling our state and federal prisons at a cost of $1.6 billion annually are illegal aliens
  • 53% plus of all investigated burglaries reported in California, New Mexico, Nevada, Arizona, and Texas are perpetrated by illegal aliens
  • 50% plus of all gang members in Los Angeles are illegal aliens
  • 71% plus of all apprehended cars stolen in 2005 in Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, and California were stolen by illegal aliens or “transport coyotes”
  • 47% of cited/stopped drivers in California have no license, no insurance, and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 47%, 92% are illegal aliens
  • 63% of cited/stopped drivers in Arizona have no license, no insurance, and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 63%, 97% are illegal aliens
  • 66% of cited/stopped drivers in New Mexico have no license, no insurance, and no registration for the vehicle. Of that 66% 98% are illegal aliens
  • 380,000 plus “anchor babies” were born in the US to illegal alien parents in just one year, making 380,000 babies automatically US citizens
  • 97.2% of all costs incurred for those births were paid by the American taxpayers

Google any one of the items on this list and you’ll find about 200,000 hits, some of which date back to 2006. A random check of about 100 of these hits revealed that not one cites the original sources for the data. Usually the list is prefaced with something like “The following information is compiled from Federal Bureau of Investigation and Department of Homeland Security reports.”

The internet is a wonderful place with terabytes of interesting data available on every subject imaginable. Just remember that most of it is bullshit—things people made up; things that might have been true at one time or, like the name of this column, nothing but rumors, lies, innuendo, fear, uncertainty, and despair.

Do we have a problem with illegal immigrants? Hell, yes. Would I use any of the above data to support my position on the subject? No way.

Do yourself and everyone else a favor. When you get this kind of shit in an e-mail or see it on an internet site, ignore it unless you’re willing to make an effort to verify the data.

Our public dialog on illegal immigrants (and just about every other controversy) is already clogged with lies and fabrications. Don’t add to the problem by circulating crap like the above.

Sarah and the Ten Commandments

May 16, 2010

OK, she’s cute, occasionally funny, knows how to piss off liberals, and is making a shitload of money to boot. So, Sarah Palin has some utility in today’s society. At least she’s not likely to be collecting welfare in her old age.

But she’s as out of touch with the principles on which our country was founded as most people: Republicans, Democrats, Tea Party, and Coffee Party.

Regardless of their personal beliefs, the Framers of the Constitution agreed on a set of rules by which our country would be governed. Granted, some of the Framers were Christians, but others were deists, theists, atheists, or agnostics. Nowhere in the Constitution are the Bible or the Ten Commandments mentioned, but here’s our Sarah on O’Reilly’s show:

Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant — they’re quite clear — that we would create law based on the God of the bible and the Ten Commandments.

Sarah, I’ve got news for you. Our founding fathers couldn’t even get the people to ratify the Constitution until ten amendments, the Bill of Rights, were added to it. And do you know what the very first words of the very first amendment say?

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…

Seems nobody was very interested in supporting any religion, Judeo-Christian or otherwise.

Complicating the problem is the fact that the Bible does not make it at all clear whether there are ten commandments, or fourteen, or maybe fifteen; I  found 21. According to legend, there were originally 15 but Moses dropped the third tablet and said, “Fuck it, these goddamn things are heavy. Ten’s enough anyway.”

The Commandments appear in three different forms in the Bible at Exodus 20:2–17, Deuteronomy 5:6–21, and Exodus 34:11–27. God never did say which version was authoritative. Other parts of the Bible make direct reference to ten commandments but never say which ten out of a possible fifteen or twenty. It depends on how you divide them up and, of course, if you’re a modern-day believer, which ones your particular House of Magic endorses.

Adding to the confusion: Jesus arbitrarily reduced the number of commandments to just two.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Matthew 22:34-40

If you’re a Christian then, by definition, the Ten Commandments are irrelevant because Jesus trumped them in Matthew 22:34-40.

Got some time? Crack open a beer or light up a blunt. I’ll try to do a mash up of the three versions of the “Ten” Commandments and see if we can’t add some confusion and entertainment.

  1. I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. Apparently, enslaving Israel was a bad thing but Israel enslaving others (see 21 below) was OK by God.
  2. Do not have any other gods before me. God must have had some legitimate competition. Note that he doesn’t claim to be the only god; he just wants to be Numero Uno.
  3. Take care not to make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land to which you are going, or it will become a snare among you. Apparently, this was to become our excuse for fucking with the Indians. Yeah, we made a few treaties but, as God had predicted, they became a snare unto us so we broke them.
  4. You shall tear down their altars, break their pillars, and cut down their sacred poles. A useful instruction on how to fuck with the Indians.
  5. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. I’ve always wondered how the Catholic, Orthodox, and Mormon churches (or, for that matter the Protestant churches that hang up those cheesy pictures of Jesus) weasel their way around this one.
  6. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me. Jealous? What happened to omnipotence? And punishing my great grandchildren for my sins? What a guy.
  7. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name. God damn! This lets almost all of us off the hook. Once you’ve taken the name of the Lord in vain He “will not acquit” you. Even if you follow the rest of these silly rules you’re on the fast track to perdition.
  8. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. I’ll have to ask the Mormons about this one. They spend the whole fucking Sunday in church but their businesses still run 24/7.
  9. You shall not make cast idols. Apparently metallurgy is a sin.
  10. Honor your father and your mother. Even if they’ve ruined your life by bowing down to an idol (see 6 above)? And what if your old man is known by the local cops and social workers as Chester the Molester?
  11. You shall not murder (another Israelite). The Bible is full of murder and mayhem officially sanctioned by God. Killing infidels apparently predates Muhammad by at least 2000 years.
  12. You shall not commit adultery. Again this applies only to sex with Israelites. Raping Amorites, Canaanites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites and other infidels is OK.
  13. You shall not steal (from another Israelite). Taking the land and property of infidels is encouraged. The Bible also encourages Israel to destroy anything that’s too heavy to lug off.
  14. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. But, if the guy is not from the ‘hood you can make up any shit you want.
  15. You shall keep the festival of unleavened bread. For seven days you shall eat unleavened bread, as I commanded you. Do Wheat Thins count?
  16. All that first opens the womb is mine, all your male livestock, the firstborn of cow and sheep. Yeah, OK, I’ll keep that in mind if I decide to take up farming. In the meantime, you’re going to have to settle for a hamster or a dachshund.
  17. No one shall appear before me empty-handed. Cash, credit and debit cards only, please. No fucking goats.
  18. Three times in the year all your males shall appear before the Lord God, the God of Israel. Where, what time? Should I bring a casserole or beer?
  19. The best of the first fruits of your ground you shall bring to the house of the Lord your God. I do this year after year and the stuff just sits there and rots. Fruit flies and maggots crawling all over the place. It’s really pretty disgusting and, by the way God, it’s hurting business. The more rotten fruit in front of the church door, the less money we rake in during the weekly Magic Show.
  20. You shall not boil a kid in its mother’s milk. I tried this once. Catching my kid wasn’t too tough, but Jesus did my old lady raise a fuss.
  21. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor. See, there’s that slavery shit again. Sarah, I guarantee you the Republicans won’t take Detroit, Chicago, or Baltimore it you’re really serious.